Playing a character with an alignment that doesn’t match the rest of the party can often be quite frustrating: you can either show your true colors and risk conflict with the party and NPCs; or hide your character’s natural responses. It’s similar to trying to fit into a group instead of finding one where you belong.
In Models, Marc Manson describes how to create a life where you don’t need to hide who you are. [Spoiler Alert] It starts with learning how to “build non-neediness through vulnerability. [And] practice vulnerability by being honest.”
Now, although Models is a dating book for men, it applies “to all human beings, regardless of gender, orientation, genitalia or whatever.” And as with most good dating advice, it can (and should) be applied to all aspects of your life.
So let’s talk about choosing Quests and slaying dragons!
The Three Fundamentals for an Honest Life
Honest Living
Not all Quests are the same, and not all adventurers may want to take all Quests: an evil Warlock may not want to rescue the princess; a Paladin may not want to help the slave merchant recover his lost… merchandise.
That means you can choose board games over night bars; hiking over surfing; martial arts over dancing; becoming an artist over getting an office job. What matters most is that you define what kind of life you want to live, and then make it a reality no matter what you’re “supposed” to “choose.”
When it comes to socializing, Mark Manson uses the concept of Demographics: Just as Clerics are more likely to find friends (or a new party member…) at a temple than at the bar near the town square, you would be doing yourself a favor by defining where “your people” hang out. And then joining them!
Then there’s your Presentation: while you do want to have a style that attracts the right people, the keyword is attract. And before you say you’re not attractive, he says there’s a “distinction between being good-looking and being attractive. Not everybody is born good-looking. But any man, with some time and effort, can become attractive.” It’s a matter of finding something that shows your own personality but that is still attractive to your Demographic!
Honest Action
One reason you may not be acting according to your alignment is fear. There’s no “Save Game,” so you can’t really go back if you fuck up, someone feels offended or you get rejected. So instead of accepting that fear and working to overcome it, you could be creating your own stories to justify your lack of action. These are some common patterns that Mark Manson describes as stopping us from taking action:
- Blame Game
Have you ever said, “I’ll never face that dragon; it’s too powerful”? Probably not. You probably tried. And failed. But you learned, gained XP, and kept trying until you finished that Quest.
If approaching someone new makes you anxious, or if having “a talk” to set your boundaries to live life on your terms scares you, don’t blame it on others being “scary.” Accept that your life is your own responsibility. Start small and level up until facing the dragon in the room is not scary anymore.
- Apathy and Avoidance
“Yes, that scary dragon may be guarding that Legendary Sword I spent the last 3 months looking for. It has +15 Damage, 30% chance to poison enemies, gives the user +50 HP, talks in a sexy voice, and makes coffee. But… it’s green. And I don’t like green. So I’m not that interested.” Excuses. You’re just afraid of the dragon. Admit it. It’s healthy.
Just because you’re afraid of asking for what you want doesn’t mean it has less value: If you’re not initiating sex with your partner because you’re afraid of rejection, don’t say you “don’t really care. Who wants sex, anyway? It’s messy and sticky.” Well, you do. Accepting that it is important is the first step towards taking action.
- Intellectualizing
“I’m not facing that dragon yet. I just need to level up/get better armor/a fancy sword/skill/spell.” It may be true. Or it may be avoidance.
Although Learning is the second step in Josh Kaufman’s The First 20 Hours, there are also steps 3 and 4! At some point you’ll have to remove your barriers, go into the dungeon and TRY (cue horror music).
As much as I am a personal growth junkie, I often set a limit to how much theory I take in before I go out and start learning from my mistakes. It often means finishing a course or reading books I’ve preselected. Past that, I can only keep consuming content if I am gaining XP in parallel.
Honest Communication
“Nice Guys tend to have a hard time making their needs a priority and have difficulty asking for what they want in clear and direct ways. This creates a sense of powerlessness. Therefore, they frequently resort to manipulation when trying to get their needs met.” Robert Glover
Though “manipulation” sounds nasty, it’s often about being afraid of hearing “No,” or even being “too nice” by not putting people in the uncomfortable position of having to say “No” to you.
Going with your parents to the supermarket and staring at a chocolate instead of asking for it means you won’t hear a “No,” but it also means you have no control over getting a “Yes.” All you’re doing is waiting for them to offer it to you. That’s like expecting NPCs to approach you with their Quests. Ok, fair enough, some do. But in most cases, you have to find them and talk to them first.
Translate this to any time when you tried to create a situation where someone else would offer something to you instead of you asking for it (a favor, a date, going for the kiss, initiating sex…?).
Manipulation takes a lot of time, mental energy, guessing, and hoping. And when you don’t get what you want, you feel powerless. Being direct, on the other hand, requires the courage to be vulnerable. That’s it. It feels liberating. And, quite often, it gives others the opportunity to show they care about you.
As a recovering Nice Guy, whenever I’m afraid of being direct I change my goal from “getting the result I want”, to “communicating directly.” This often means asking the hard questions, saying “no,” clarifying objections, or setting boundaries. It takes almost no time to have my answer, there’s no “wondering,” it’s non-needy, it’s detached from an outcome, and depends completely on myself.
If the response is positive, it’s awesome. If I get a bad roll of the dice, I can still feel good for BEING HONEST. I give myself a pat on the back, and move on knowing that I did something scary. And survived. If it’s part of a Quest, I’ll go to my Character Sheet and give myself 1 XP regardless of the outcome.
Now, because this is a book about dating, Mark Manson focuses on specific ways to be clear with your intentions, flirting, dating, and sex. As always, these are all skills. You can read, you can analyze, but at some point, you just have to go to the dungeon and start grinding.
Have you been living an Honest Life? Do you show your vulnerability in a non-needy way? Whatever your answer, how does it feel? Text me! I’d love to hear from you.
