“Come on. Let’s run away.”
― Rincewind in Terry Pratchett, Eric
“Where to?”
(…) “Don’t you worry about to,” he said. “In my experience that always takes care of itself.
The important word is away.”
When you have a Town where your character can recover their HP and buy some items, you’re free to go out and explore. But how far from it do you dare to go? And how sure are you that it will still be there when you need it?
Ideally, when we have a Quest that we can’t finish or we fear a TPK (Total Party Kill), we go back to the Town, recover our HP and get some new items, resources, or even information to help us. The act of returning to our attachment figure is part of the attachment system, which gets triggered when we find an obstacle or threat, and fear that something bad is about to happen.
“The goal of the system is to establish a sense of protection or security (called by Sroufe & Waters, “felt security”), which normally terminates the system’s activation. (…) Feeling secure, a person can devote attention to matters other than self-protection; being well cared for, [they] can appreciate the feeling of being loved and valued; in some circumstances, [they] can take risks, being confident that help is readily available.” (Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)
However, our attachment figures may not always be available in the way we want. This would be the equivalent of Towns being too far away or, worse, lost to an enemy invasion.
How Far is Too Far?
So how far would you dare to explore, if you knew that you may not have a Town to return to anymore?
We all have this fear to a higher or lesser degree, depending on our past experiences. Unfortunately, if we’ve experienced this loss too many times, we can internalize the idea that we might be left to our own devices at any time without warning.
This is, often, an illusion that takes away our sense of security. Just like Illusion Spells, they make us focus on them while losing sight of what’s in front of us. Those with fairly accessible attachment figures may experience a simple Minor Illusion that may cause a slight distraction for a few turns. Others may fail their saves against a Fear spell. In really bad cases, some may experience Illusory Dragons that could result in real damage to yourself and others.
“Attachment-insecure people may be less able to trust others and accurately detect cues of their benevolence”, and these “negative appraisals of others seem to lead attachment-insecure people to ignore, dismiss, or forget positive instances of a partner’s responsiveness.” (Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)
Any Strategy is Better than No Strategy
So what do we do to deal with insecurity? There are two main strategies. You may try to:
- Become an NPC (Hyperactivating Strategy)
Stay close to the Town. Even better, never leave. The fear of going away and help not being readily available is too great to risk losing it. So stay in. Don’t explore. Don’t level up. Someone else can go and save the world. Also, don’t use any items or potions… (because you have to hoard ALL items in case you must face the BBEG at any time…)
- Play Solo (Deactivating Strategy)
You think that if your strategy depended on going to the Town in times of need, if (or when) it’s not available, it’ll be Game Over. So you choose to rely exclusively on yourself. Go out, become strong, and never look back or depend on anything or anyone.
“Interacting with unresponsive attachment figures who fail to provide a safe haven and secure base in times of need fosters reliance on secondary attachment strategies: hyperactivation and deactivation of the attachment system. If continued over time, use of one or both of these strategies leads to the development of an insecure attachment style: anxious, avoidant, or a mixture of both (“fearful avoidant,” disorganized).” (Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)
The Consequences of Insecurity
Not being able to use the resources in the Town, you’ll be stuck only with the items that you can loot by yourself (if any).
“Attachment-insecure people are often unwilling or unable to seek the protection and support of [an attachment figure] in times of need.” (Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)
Not only do “attachment insecurities seem to create many obstacles to dating success.” (Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver), they can also lead to higher stress, physical and mental health issues, relational problems, performance at work, and much more.
“Insecurely attached people harbor serious doubts about their self-worth and self-efficacy. They lean toward hopeless, helpless patterns of causal explanation; are susceptible to rejection, criticism, and disapproval; and suffer from self-criticism and destructive perfectionism.” (Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)
What about dating?
“Attachment insecurities seem to create many obstacles to dating success.” (Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)
Lacking attachment figures to rely on can make you seem “clingy” or “too cold” for any successful dating to happen. Not only are these two options less sexy to outsiders (“anxious and avoidant partners were both rated as less attractive than secure ones” (Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver) ), they can also increase your frustration when looking for (or trying to keep) a partner.
That anxiety when they haven’t texted you yet? Anxiety. That feeling that you can’t stand being too emotionally close to someone? Avoidance.
The Magic Pill
Ok. There’s no magic pill. BUT there is a solution. It is possible for insecure people (a.k.a. everyone, to a higher or lesser degree) to gain the Skill of Earned Security. And although it’s tempting to try to get it alone (Healers, I’m looking at you), it’s better and much easier to gain it with the help of others.
You can try to adopt the attitudes and patterns of a secure person, but it won’t be of much use unless you have several “islands of security”.
So here’s your next Quest: find (and rely on) some secure attachment figures that can act as your islands of security! The loot will be a happier life not only in your dating life but in all other aspects as well!
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Related Grimoires:
- Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
- A Secure Base, by John Bowlby
- Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver
- Dynamics of Romantic Love, by Mario Mikulincer and Gail S. Goodman
- Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver
- Attachment Theory Applied, by Mario Mikulincer, Phillip R. Shaver
- Attachment in Psychotherapy, by David J. Wallin
- Wired for Dating, by Stan Tatkin, Harville Hendrix, and Helen LaKelly Hunt
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