As Conan the Barbarian famously said, “That which does not kill us does not kill us.”
Ben Aaronovitch, Whispers Underground
Who’s sexier? A Knight in shining armor covered from head to toe trying not to get a scratch on their (supposedly) pretty face, or a Barbarian with skimpy clothes and lots. Lots. LOTS of skin? I say the Barbarian.
And who’s more vulnerable? Just to be clear, Vulnerability means to be “open to attack or damage,” which is different from “not being able to withstand an attack” (a.k.a. being weak). So the Barbarian is both vulnerable and sexy. And this is no coincidence. For Mark Manson, “Vulnerability is the path of true human connection and becoming a truly attractive person.” Vulnerability is sexy.
Vulnerability Is Courage Confidence
“Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage,” says Brené Brown. “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control of the outcome.”
To be fair, the Knight going to slay the Dragon is being vulnerable. They don’t know the outcome. But if a Barbarian showed up instead of the Knight, who’d look more badass in front of a Dragon? Someone with a few bits of cloth, a sword and a smile, or a tin can on a horse?
Ok. Sure. There are many things we shouldn’t copy from Barbarians. Like not bathing. Please, do bathe. And do wear clothes other than one or two pieces of leather. And don’t carry a sword around. It’s illegal in most countries. But of the things we CAN learn from them, one is their transparency and honesty when sharing what they think, feel, and desire.
Barbarians are often played as brutes with no social filter who ask for (or take) what they want, because… well, they’ve got a sword. And confidence. Quite a lot of both, actually. They trust that regardless of the outcome, they won’t get hurt. Or if they do, they’ll get back up. And that, is sexy.
Until I read Models, I used to think being sexy meant being aloof, not showing interest and DEFINITELY NOT showing your feelings. Because that was weak. And women like confident men. Ok. I’m not sure why I thought weakness and confidence were opposites. But I don’t think I’m the only one. Just think about it. What’s more confident than someone who exposes themselves and faces risks in a calm and secure way?
Facing the Dragon
Ok. Enough with the metaphors. What does it actually mean to be vulnerable? Being vulnerable to me is showing how you truly feel, think and act in an honest way. And what gives it away is a little voice inside my head saying “How about you… don’t do it? Just… don’t.” Or, worse, my voice will crackle, and I’ll freeze.
For me, it’s most often when I’m trying to express how I feel: telling my friends and family how much they mean to me, showing interest (approaching someone for the first time, asking them out on a date, and initiating sex if I might get rejected), setting a boundary (telling someone that what they’re doing bothers/hurts me), or, probably the hardest, ending a relationship.
For other people, vulnerability could mean standing on stage in front of strangers, sharing their opinion out loud or anything else that they want to do but are afraid of doing.
6 Tips to be Vulnerable Sexy
So this is what I found I had to learn to be more vulnerable, Barbarian-style:
- Know yourself
If you don’t know what you want, it’ll be quite hard to ask for it. “When we express our emotions, we’re saying: Here’s what I feel and why. Here’s what I want to happen next. Here’s what I need from you right now. It’s probably as intimate as we’ll ever be.” (Marc Brackett) So make sure you Level Up your Emotions Skill first!
- Be direct
Aaron Beck says indirectness is often a way to play it safe. To be able to take it back. Of not committing, just in case you don’t get the answer you wanted. But this approach, he says, doesn’t work in marital relationships. Fortunately, if you’re detached from the outcome, you can be direct all you want. Just… be tactful.
Characters like Master Roshi (Dragon Ball), Mineta (My Hero Academia), or Meliodas (Seven Deadly Sins) are direct. But they’re also WAY out of line.
- Be Detached from Outcome
“If you aren’t attached to outcome, rejection doesn’t hurt” (Robert Glover) Stop trying to “get results.” Your only goal is to express how you feel and what you want. Whether you get it or not is irrelevant.
If you’re afraid of being vulnerable because you’re after a goal, make the goal “to be vulnerable.” Goku often fights just for fun, without caring about the result. Saving the Universe is a byproduct of having fun. You getting what you want can be a byproduct of you being vulnerable. Or not. But it doesn’t matter.
- Use “I” statements
This is about you. And nobody else. “I feel.” “I want.” “I’d like.” “I prefer.” “I love.” “I find you attractive” is different than “You look hot.” There’s nothing to discuss. Nobody has to agree or give you what you want if they don’t want to. You’re just sharing what’s inside you.
- Don’t justify yourself
Paraphrasing Wayne Levine, “When you learn to express your feelings without defending them, you’ll be giving [your partner] what [they] need, strengthening your relationship, and feeling much more like the best [person] you can be.”
It doesn’t really matter if others agree or not. It’s what you feel. You’re just letting them know. Others are free to act as they want, but they don’t get to tell you whether you should or shouldn’t feel the way you do.
- Have Healthy Boundaries
Know the difference between someone rejecting YOU or rejecting what you SAID. Spoiler Alert: nobody can reject YOU; if they think they can, they’re not worth your attention.
Barbarians don’t let others hurt them. Barbarians don’t just stand there getting their HP drained. And, no. I’m not suggesting you start swinging your sword to the cry of “To Valhalla!” If you’ve opened up, got attacked, and feel hurt, it might be time to raise your shields.
Take. It. All. Off.
So find the right person, lower your shields and show yourself in your most vulnerable. Having sex with plate armor on is hard, anyway (pun intended, of course). Not that I would know. Just guessing. All that metal, you know…
Yes, being vulnerable is scary. But it’s SO worth it! Now, if you want to gain the courage to Level Up this Skill, check out our free tutorial and start grinding!
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