“You shall not pass”
Gandalf, Lord of The Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien
Just as games have shields to keep your HP from dropping, you can use boundaries to keep yourself from getting hurt, feeling resentful, frustrated, angry, and improve your relationships with others in multiple ways. If you have negative feelings towards someone, it could be that you haven’t set the right boundaries (or that you have no boundaries at all). Boundaries can be a healthy way to solve conflicts without running into an argument or when you can’t reach an agreement.
Both shields and boundaries:
- protect you and those you love;
- are clearly marked;
- defend, don’t attack;
- let the good in and keep out the bad.
Taking this approach has helped me tremendously to prevent small issues from escalating, feel more in control of my own life, and reach win-win solutions. Or to at least find solutions where I’m getting my needs met without stepping on anyone’s toes. I learned that, if anything, they’re just stepping on their own toes, and that’s not my responsibility.
Part of the benefit of using boundaries instead of punishments is that you can still be loving towards the same person you’re applying the boundaries to. For example, if your partner is not putting their dirty laundry in the basket, you can choose to not pick it up, but you can still wash what IS in the basket (if that’s your agreed chore). If they’re always making you late to social events, you can go by yourself and they can arrive later. And you can do this while still showing you love them, watching movies together, having sex, etc.
Drawing The Line
The first step to setting boundaries is to HAVE them in the first place. You have to decide what is yours and what isn’t. Having clear boundaries means knowing what are your responsibilities, your wants, your needs, your desires, and your fuck-ups, as well as knowing that you’re not responsible for what’s inside other people’s boundaries. It’s also about what you’re willing to give up, versus your Non-Negotiable Unalterable Terms (your N.U.T.s). You simply can’t use a shield if you don’t know what you’re protecting, and you can’t choose the right shield if you don’t know what you’re defending against (that would be like using a buckler against projectiles!).
Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether you’re upset because someone did you wrong, or if you’re the one who needs to learn and change. Maybe it’s just a sensitive topic for you, or you’re actually the one at fault. So before setting a boundary, it’s best to think about it and maybe talk with the safe people in your life (close friends, family, therapist, etc). If it’s you who needs to change, make sure you start small. If it’s not you, you need to raise your shields.
Setting Boundaries
The next step is showing the boundary by communicating it. In many cases, the “attacker” may overstep a boundary out of ignorance. A visible shield tells others where the limit is, and that you don’t want them to cross it in the first place. You don’t need to explain why if you don’t want to, and they don’t need to agree. But you do need to show them where the line is.
Like Gandalf setting a boundary to protect his party when he tells the Balrog it “shall not pass!,” you can ask them to stop doing something (letting them know how it affects you is useful but not compulsory). By letting them know where your boundaries are, they’re less likely to cross them (think of the Rebels waiting for Han Solo’s team to destroy the shield generator). If there’s another breach, you can at least discard them being ignorant. It could be that they made a mistake (they’re human… probably), don’t think it’s important, or they’re a Balrog who’s doing it on purpose. Regardless, the next step is giving them a warning.
Warning Sign
Now, shields are not meant to attack (many of Shield Hero’s shields are actually weapons, so… they don’t count). So the goal here is to stop the aggression altogether. And, sure, you could totally retaliate and take revenge, but it might be a bit hard to create a loving relationship after you’ve attacked them, captured their castle, raped their peasants, pillaged their villages, and burned their crops. Just sayin’.
Instead, what you can do is give them a warning by telling them what you’ll do the next time they cross your boundary (or if they won’t stop at that moment). They knew there was a limit, they crossed it, and you’re now raising your shields. These can take the form of words, physical space, time, emotional distance, other people or consequences. For example, “No” is a full sentence, and it’s also a word boundary. Stepping out of the room until they can talk in a civilized manner is a physical space boundary. Refusing to meet/talk for a set amount of time (a few hours/days) is a time boundary. Letting someone experience the result of their mistakes instead of you playing Hero to save them is a consequence boundary. Just remember that the goal is not to punish them, but to protect you.
Avoid Nagging
After you’ve shown your boundary, and later given a warning, then comes the time to apply it. This is probably the most important (and hardest) step. After all, “setting boundaries without setting consequences is a form of nagging. The disrespecter learns that his greatest problem is not the hurtfulness of his behavior, but only the annoyance of your complaining. There is very little motivation to grow and change” (Henry Cloud and John Townsend). So make sure you follow through with what you said (and ONLY what you said) you would do. Nothing more, nothing less.
Lastly, don’t keep your shields up ALL THE TIME. Not only does it get tiresome; it doesn’t let the good stuff in. Lower your defenses with those who don’t cross your boundaries, and also with those who have learned where your limits are. Just like a castle has a drawbridge and spaceships can turn off the shields, you should also lower your defenses to let good things in.
You don’t want to use an AT Field as a shield and end up like Shinji, shutting everyone off.
Boundaries, after all, should help bring people closer together.
Do you want to gain the Boundary Skill? The tutorial to get you started using boundaries is exclusive to those who commit to making a real change in their life by subscribing to our newsletter. So join us and start creating healthier relationships!
Useful Grimoires:
